A Gathering of Moments
as we noticed the light softening across the horizon
as we ran down onto the pebbles
as we heard the familiar but endearing sound of the crunching beneath our feet
as the natural hues glistened and danced over the water
there it was
a moment
a moment within all of the moments of 2020.
They call it the golden hour; because it is when the sun is between six degrees below the horizon and six degrees above. It occurs during the rise and fall of the sun, it is closer to the subject, and it is also moving through the atmosphere at a much lower angle than usual, producing this soft diffused light.
I wonder how much softness we can cultivate in the harshness of this world?
What to write after a year of so much sorrow, grief and loss?
A year that we will gladly leave behind for another but in true honesty it will continue with another filled with as much uncertainty.
Because the anomaly of 2020 surely was that it was the year that gave us so many reasons to pause?
To realise that the control and the scheduling that we hang onto so desperately, the thing that has been fed to us as the ultimate key to happiness is in fact all fraudulent and illusionary.
Because when we move into a place of stillness, especially within the chaos, we are reminded of our collective need to step into softness and ease.
We are reminded of what is really important. We stop searching outside of ourselves as we are touched intimately by our own inner strength.
The reality that we in fact need very, very little to thrive in this world; this is, I think, my ultimate take away from this year. How about you?
To not only gather up all the moments of 2020 but to sit within them especially those that brought us much discomfort. ?
This time last year I was getting ready to launch my first online course, The Awakening. The awakening originated from my own spiritual journey of a ‘waking up’ on multiple levels and the healing herein continues (I’m not sure if there ever is an end point?).
Because even though we may be trying to actively unlearn, the pervasive nature of white supremacy and all of its sister systems means that it is constantly aiming to muscle its way back in and retain the main character in our lives.
This year in particular I have noticed how it is so much easier to talk the talk of anti-oppression and decolonisation of self in contrast with the embodied action of anti-oppression and decolonising one’s self.
And the fact that the journey of any of this ‘undoing’ work comes not with a linear path but one that is fragmented, disjointed and super painful in nature.
The root of any tree runs deep into the soil so any move towards removing such root will come at a price.
And I believe that these incidents of struggle and overwhelm should be welcomed as it is here, within the conformity, that we find insights towards our inner workings.
These spaces also allow us to hold compassion for ourselves as humans and permission to view the ‘other’ with exactly the same levels of compassion.
As the truth is that we are all ‘one’ navigating through dominant systems of oppression.
Surely this is how we move towards collective healing?
This year and this festive period in particular I have taken these invitations of stillness to explore the more insidious ways that white supremacy has manifested in my own life through acts of forced assimilation.
To understand the workings of our current culture we must commit to the deconstruction of the worlds that we have built and who these continually aim to benefit. Because assimilation in so many ways is a trauma response to protect one’s self from harm and rejection.
However, I think it can often be easier to simply point fingers towards those that seem to have opted to assimilate into the dominant culture without the exploration of the deep complexities. The complex notion of how ‘choice’ derives from not only historical violence and alienation from systemic oppression but present ones that run alongside any change of being.
I have been thinking a lot about my own experiences of Christmas and how my immigrant parents knew very little of this festival that on closer examination seems to very much focus on our culture of overconsumption.
It was us, as in me and my siblings, that ‘chose’ to adopt some of the Christmassy spirit/rituals in a desperate way to be accepted and belong and this is not in any way to cast a judgemental eye on what others choose to do because let’s be honest you can hardly get away with being penetrated with the frenzy of Christmas in the month of December.
Also try being the only primary school kid that has to lie about what they didn’t receive for Christmas, the anguish, humiliation and rejection is what we as parents aim to protect our own offspring from.
However, the power of assimilation and indeed white supremacy often means the exchange of one culture over and above another.
The results? Yep, you guessed it hierarchical supremacy and indeed an erasure of your own culture and heritage. And as soon as you have achieved this you have achieved a disconnection from your true self.
I have been thinking about the feel-good factor of December, the season of joy, the month of good will and the ‘loving of thy neighbour’ and how much they go against the individualistic, capitalistic, sexist, racist, homophobic and bigoted society that we have built and continue to perpetuate.
Because how many of us allow our consciousness to bypass the spiritual but very Christian message of this month because of our own stories around God and religion?
Because how many of us remember these virtues for this month alone but come January we are right back where we started with a list of failed new year’s resolutions which often focus simply on one’s self?
Because I have been thinking a lot about the month of Poh (commencing 14 Dec) in the Sikh calendar and how I am only now becoming fully aware of the importance of this month in particular not only for the sangat but for me as an individual.
As my own spiritual journey continues and I delve deeper into my own history and lineage not only as a woman of colour but as a Sikh woman I cannot deny that I am who I am because of who they were and all that they stood for.
For me, the more I connect with the struggles and the sacrifices of our collective ancestors there is no denial that I stand hand in hand with those that are not heard because of them.
The fact that I myself have gone round and round in circles looking for purpose and meaning and I have come right back to where I started.
Because as I continue to shed my own conditioning and lean further into my own spiritual lineage, I cannot deny how much of my own value basis derives directly from the teachings of my Guru’s.
The fact that the admittance of such a thing would have freaked the hell out of me as my own experiences and the strong societal messages warned me what it meant to be a person connected with a higher force.
I wonder how many lessons I denied myself due to my own discriminations?
Because the quiet whispering that has been occurring from within for many years is finding solace in owning the divinity that lies within not only her but in you too.
Thank you for being part of my journey because the fact that you are still here means that you are willing to not only see the whole of me but you are willing to see the whole of you too. These are the moments that cannot be seen; they can only be felt.
